Scene Three

(Lights up. Ethan sits on his DS stool. He is flipping through the script, studying material. Murph sits in the US booth writing notes. Sean enters from SL.)

SEAN

He’s on his way up. Saw him downstairs with Richard like junior high kids walking into a school dance. (pause) You hear me? He’s on his way up. He’s gonna’ fold us. I know it.

ETHAN

(to Sean) Have you actually read this? There is some potentially smart humor in this.

SEAN

What? (beat) I said, Richard is bringing him up right now. They’ve got something up, man. I can feel it.

ETHAN

Who?

SEAN

Klein. Dowd’s walking up with Klein right now.

ETHAN

(thinks) All right. Yeah, unusual, but.. He probably just wants to...check up. Makes you think there’s gonna’ be trouble?

SEAN

Cause that’s what their kind do. They fuck your wife and smoke your cigars the moment your back is turned.

ETHAN

Well, I’m not married and I don’t smoke.

SEAN

Yeah, make jokes. I’ve got eyes on me, right now. I need to keep talk about my work clean. I can’t lose this gig.

ETHAN

Why? Does “The Brady Bunch” have a D-V-D package too?

SEAN

I mean, I can’t have it look like I didn’t fulfill my obligation to the show...OR that I was fired.

ETHAN

I don’t think anyone cares.

SEAN

(nervous) They DO. Trust me.

ETHAN

No. I mean, I don’t think anyone IN THIS ROOM cares.

SEAN

Fine. I’ll shut up.

ETHAN

(off script) I could do this. Easy. This isn’t hard. In fact, it’s pretty formulaic. Conflict by yea page. Climax by this page. The Big laughs on every third joke.

SEAN

The third? I don’t get it.

ETHAN

It’s a matter of getting your audience to anticipate the end of your set up. Taking them in a completely different direction. That’s how they’ll remember you.

(Sean is unsure.)

Basic comedy writing. You should know this. It’s kind of like...well... BAR jokes. A dog, a priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Right away, which ONE of them will have the punchline?

SEAN

(thinks) The Rabbi?

ETHAN

Why?

SEAN

Cause Jews are funny?

(Ethan looks at him in dismay.)

ETHAN

You rode the short bus to school growing up, didn’t you. (beat) He’ll have the most outrageous thing to say or do of them all, catching everyone off guard. It’s called wit. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.

SEAN

You love this show, don’t you?

ETHAN

I love DOING this show.

SEAN

Probably the only one.

ETHAN

So? YOU were just ranting about how you didn’t wanna’ lose this gig.

SEAN

Cause I have bigger fish. Not because I endear myself to this work. THIS is not...

ETHAN

What? (beat) Yeah, so, writers aren’t exactly looked well upon. I know. But I’m looking for a way to make MY show, and maybe others, LIKE Matt Groening.

SEAN

You won’t exactly leap into THAT post. You have to be established for any of the BIG networks to look at your ideas. Big, meaning money.

ETHAN

Why do you think I like this show? All the functions, premieres. Getting established.

SEAN

Experience talks, Easy-E. What I got MY sights on.

(Vicki enters from SL with pages from her treatment.)

VICKI

I think Klein’s on his way in. I saw him on the phone in one of the offices with Richard.

SEAN

SEE. It’s a conspiracy. He’s talking to network as we speak.

ETHAN

Relax.

(Vicki piles her pages by the SL entrance.)

VICKI

Talking to network about what?

ETHAN

Don’t mind him. He eats paint.

(They cross to their respective seats. Dowd enters from SL, avoiding eye contact.)

DOWD

We’ll be starting in a few minutes.

(Sean follows him through the studio.)

SEAN

What’re you doing to us, man? Don’t tell me you don’t have plans to ruin us. We can see you clear.

DOWD

What are you talking about?

SEAN

You SO want to get a leg up with this network, you’re simply going to squish any chance of us moving on. Or something like that.

DOWD

I never said that. Don’t put that in my mouth.

SEAN

That’s what your mother said, but I managed to break HER.

ETHAN

SHANE.

(DEXTER KLEIN enters from SL. He is relaxed.)

DEXTER

Afternoon...everyone.

DOWD

I didn’t have a chance to explain to them all of the...

SEAN

All of what? What’s happening?

DEXTER

That’s fine. I wanted to explain things myself. YES. I am now the V-P in charge of programming. I was promoted from my position in development Tuesday.

(He crosses into the studio. Murph steps out of the booth when he sees him.)

DEXTER (cont)

I know this isn’t much of a last hurrah, but under the circumstances...

SEAN

What happened to Dennis? THAT’s what we all REALLY want to know.

DEXTER

(deep sigh) Mister Opitz’s contract was terminated with the network, because it was evident he had a nervous condition which prohibited him from completing his agreement.

ETHAN

When did this happen?

DEXTER

Tuesday morning during a writer’s meeting. Mister Opitz and I had a disagreement from which he was so frayed, he threatened me with a firearm.

ETHAN

Very difficult to believe.

SEAN

WHY?

DEXTER

Extortion, Mister Glencoe.

ETHAN

What?

DEXTER

He was attempting to get me, or the network I should say, to buy into a new pilot he’d written. I told him we had enough new ideas and that with all the changes, NOW was not the best time to pitch.

SEAN

That’s a load of...

ETHAN

All right, forget Dennis for now. Why this copy..? I’m mean, considering all that’s... Why not just...end the show?

VICKI

Yeah, why the need to put us through this...uncomfortable, and unprofessional...

SEAN

Cause he wants to make himself look good. Correct?

DOWD

Give it a break, Sean.

SEAN

Shut up. (to Dexter) You don’t want the new higher ups to think YOU can’t come through with product.

DEXTER

I don’t much like your tone, Mister...

SEAN

I’ve heard about YOU, man. I’ve caught an ear-full from some of the network associates.

(Dexter becomes nervous.)

DEXTER

You have no clue what you’re trying to infer...

ETHAN

Sean.

SEAN

Heard you like to take office girls into the copy room.

DEXTER

(annoyed) That is a total an utter...

ETHAN

SEAN.

SEAN

I’ve heard some things about one of your writers, and I have my own suspicions about that Shelly girl you got running around for you.

DEXTER

SHUT YOUR MOUTH, YOU LITTLE FUCK!

(Silence.)

(pause) How would YOU know, huh? You have no IDEA what it takes to make sure this network doesn’t go under. You should just be glad Richard keeps me as informed as he does on certain matters. YOU, on the other hand, have to go pissing in everybody’s drinks just cause you’re a little CONFUSED.

(He looks at everyone.)

You REALLY want to know what’s going on? (to Sean) YEAH, I will finish every contract the network has to make its transition as smooth as YOUR sister’s ass.

DEXTER (cont)

(to the room) I’m NOT trying to make myself look good. (beat) I’m trying to make myself look PERFECT.

(He crosses the studio.)

I have taken years trying to get where I am, and yes, I’ve had to set fire to the dreams of much better and more talented people than THIS bunch of hillbillys.

VICKI

(insulted) We just want to get this episode done or not. No one’s trying to make you look...

DEXTER

Save it, sweets. Everyone in this room has their own agenda they just can’t wait to go running to.

SEAN

We all want this show to end well.

DEXTER

Do I look like a mindless redhead with huge tits and Daddy’s credit card?

SEAN

(confused) I...

DEXTER

DO I LOOK like a mindless redhead with huge tits and Daddy’s credit card?

SEAN

(beat) Not...not today.

DEXTER

Than WHY are you telling me the things I want to here, knowing that it’s a heap of bullshit! (pause) I know about Comedy Central.

(Sean is surprised.)

What? Didn’t you think they would call me from New York to check up on your professional ability? A creative producer? You REALLY think YOU could handle a position like THAT? You may as well go back to mopping up porno booths in Sacramento.

ETHAN

(to Sean) Eww. You used to do that?

SEAN

(Distressed.)

(pause) They never called...

DEXTER

They just called my cell as I was coming up here. I took it in one of the offices.

(Sean steps back, upset.)

(to Ethan) I know about YOUR little show too.

ETHAN

It’s just an idea. It’s...

DEXTER

Let me give you some advise, schmuck. A second rate comic strip only makes for half it’s weight in network value. No producer will even look at it. (to Vicki) And YOU. I know you have friends at Disney. Hopes of sitting at the grown up’s table, eh? Try standing up to piss first.

ETHAN

All right, so you’ve come here. You’ve made your insults. You’ve tried to bully us into thinking we have no futures. WHAT..IS IT that you want us to do?

DEXTER

I WANT MY FINALE. (beat) And I will have it tomorrow.

ETHAN

Come on, man. That’s ridiculous. We need prep time. Murph needs to get with the production house on the sound effects, music cues. There’s NO way...

VICKI

That is SO not going to happen.

SEAN

Forget it. You’re sunk, man. There’s no way.

DEXTER

This isn’t a democracy! Democracy gets nothing done, and certainly not on time. Fascism is the only effective way to run a station. If the Nazi party was a television network, they’d have a sixty share, EASY, so everyone is simply going to have to do what I tell them.

(The group settles.)

It states VERY CLEARLY in your contracts that you will complete twenty-four episodes within this season. The season is over, and I WILL have my product. If you fail to do so, the network WILL SUE YOU FOR BREECH.

(The group becomes nervous.)

YEAH, a breech of contract suit isn’t exactly the greatest of weapons for out of work performers, or for wanna-be producers walking around Hollywood. (to Sean) Or New York City. (beat) I will be here at eight o’clock tomorrow night. If there’s no episode, then we’ll let our lawyers work it out.

(He crosses SL.)

DEXTER (cont)

Although I doubt any of YOU could afford one right now.

(He turns, seeing the pile of Vicki’s treatment on the floor. He picks it up.)

VICKI

Oh, I’ll move those. I...

(Dexter takes a good look through the treatment.)

DEXTER

(beat) Impressive.

(Vicki manages a smile, until Dexter rips the pages in half with one move.)

VICKI

(Crosses SL.)

You son of a bitch! NO!

(Dexter tears them once more and drops the shreds. He turns and exits SL. Dowd crosses to follow.)

DOWD

I’ll walk you out, Dexter.

SEAN

Don’t forget your lubricant, K-Y Kid.

(Dowd shoots him a glare. He exits SL. Vicki kneels on the floor by her shredded treatment, upset. Ethan slowly approaches to console her.)

Holy crap. Two mistresses and a wife at home and he spouts off in here like he hasn’t been laid in years. (to Murph) Did you see that shit?

(Murph shakes his head.)

The mafia has more patience and better people skills.

ETHAN

(to Vicki) You all right?

VICKI

Does it look it? I’ve only been working on this for the last four months.

SEAN

Why don’t you just sprint home and run off copies?

VICKI

It’d take me three hours with afternoon traffic. I meet with Disney people at four.

MURPH

Not to mention, we have to finish this show before tomorrow.

SEAN

Fuck the show. Fuck HIM.

MURPH

What about New York? What’ll THEY think?

SEAN

Isn’t it obvious? He’s probably already killed any hopes I had of finding work with Comedy Central, so...

(He becomes upset.)

VICKI

I never wanted THIS. I only wanted to use my voice for something more than diet plans that don’t work for shit and Tony Little products that make everyone want to kill him. For what I’m good at, right?

ETHAN

Absolutely. You’re work here is hilarious. Unbeatable.

VICKI

Disney was another door, I... And now it’s gonna’ get blown. This is so... I just can’t...

(Vicki breathes heavily.)

Al Gore decided to run for President, so to improve his public image, he visited a park while in D-C where some children were playing. He noticed one boy was standing by himself at the end of a field, while the rest of the kids kicked around a soccer ball. He asked the boy if he was all right. Boy said he was fine. Later, Gore noticed the boy was still standing by himself, so he approached the kid again. “Would you like me to be your friend?” Gore asked. The boy hesitated, then said, “Okay.” Feeling he was making progress, Gore then asked, “Why are you standing all alone?” “Because,” the boy replied, “I’m the fucking goalie!”

(Ethan feels for her.)

(beat) It’s not working... It’s not work...

(Without warning, Ethan kisses Vicki solid on the lips. She is taken by surprise, wide-eyed and frozen. Sean and Murph stare with interest.)

MURPH

He IS into women.

(Sean look at him, confused.

After a moment, Ethan slowly lets go, unable to look Vicki in the face. Vicki doesn’t know what to say.)

SEAN

(long pause) Well, at least that wasn’t AWKWARD.

VICKI

(clears throat) Hey...

(Ethan doesn’t respond.)

HEY.

(Ethan looks at her, carefully. She looks at him in wonder. He begins to crack a smile, until Vicki quickly slaps his face.

Ethan is knocked back, shocked. Vicki gathers the pieces of her pages and exits SL as fast as possible.)

SEAN

(long pause) Man, I was just messing with you about the hundred. I didn’t think you’d actually tell her.

ETHAN

It’s true. What my mother’s been telling me all these years is actually true. (beat) I AM an idiot.

(Lights bang out.)

END OF ACT ONE.