“Candidates”
(Lights up. NOLAN and ERICA burst out of the USL door. Nolan wears coveralls, while Erica is dressed for success.)
ERICA
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED IN MY LIFE!
NOLAN
YOU haven’t? Can’t even imagine who you are to put your son up to such a thing!
ERICA
Riley didn’t start anything!
NOLAN
You’re right! YOU did!
(Lights crossfade onto USR bench. KYLE and RILEY are both standing on it. Nolan and Erica continue to argue DSL in total silence.)
KYLE
My name is Kyle Barnes. Of course you all know that, sure. At the advice of my teacher, Mrs. Barrett, I’m announcing that I would like to serve as this year’s student body president.
RILEY
I am Riley Wooley. You know me too. I would also like you to think of me as student body president for next year. I think our social studies this past year has been interesting and feel I can do what it takes to make sure everyone at Paine Elementary has a fun year.
KYLE
Think, after learning about our country’s president with Mrs. Barrett, I would like to do the same here, to make sure our school events next year are fun and are run smooth. I hope you will think of me when you vote for student government this Friday.
RILEY
I would also like you to think of me when you vote, and remember I will make a much better student president than Ivar Sullivan this year, especially after he dropped his pants during the Christmas music play.
KYLE
Some say IVAR was the best thing in the Christmas music play this year.
RILEY
That’s only cause YOU told him to do it. It’s not exactly the story of Christmas when Joseph decides to show everyone his ding-ding.
(Lights crossfade to Nolan and Erica.)
NOLAN
How could you feed your kid such a heap of bullshit?!
ERICA
Oh, really? What part? The fact that YOU can’t keep money in your house, or the part about...
NOLAN
That is none of your business, lady! We can’t save any money cause most of it ends up with his tutor every week! Unlike Riley, who can barely read past the second grade.
ERICA
That is a horrible thing to say about a child!
NOLAN
What? That his mother doesn’t care a shred about his education? That he’s fallen behind? At least, I’m getting Kyle the help he needs!
ERICA
Yeah. I’m sure those lottery tickets are the cornerstone of his learning, while HE comes to school in rags.
ERICA (cont)
Even a transient wouldn’t accept the clothes YOU send Kyle in!
NOLAN
How would YOU know?! I’ve seen you hear maybe once this year. (beat) Know what? Forget it! This isn’t about the boys, and we both know it! This is about you and ME.
ERICA
You and I.
(Nolan moans. Lights crossfade to Kyle and Riley.)
RILEY
We need to change our dances so that a good mix of music is played. No one wants to hear NSYNC right after the Backstreet Boys. No one wants Mariah Carey right after hearing Brittney Spears.
KYLE
And no one wants meat loaf Wednesday anymore.
(Lights crossfade to the adults.)
NOLAN
Just hate me THAT much, you had to ruin this for the kids? Kids don’t care about any of your shit. They want to vote for someone who’ll smile and say “Hi” to them walking down the hall.
ERICA
So then why did Kyle start up about Riley’s father?
NOLAN
I didn’t put him up to that. He struck that nerve on his own.
ERICA
You had nothing to do with it?
NOLAN
No. I’m not like YOU. Not malicious.
ERICA
Don’t use words you can’t even spell. I only got involved cause Riley asked me.
NOLAN
Sure he did. You got involved cause you knew I was involved.
ERICA
Why would I?
NOLAN
Ha!
(Lights crossfade to the children.)
KYLE
If I am president I will hopefully get the chance to hear everyone’s problems and help make school a better place to be. I would help our teachers with their anti-bullying rules.
RILEY
We can help each other learn and do well.
KYLE
I would want teachers to use any of the Harry Potter books as homework assignments.
RILEY
I think it would be neat to hand in movie reports for a grade once in a while. At least, once a week.
(Lights crossfade to the adults.)
ERICA
Riley didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, and those students had a right to know, to make an educated decision.
NOLAN
Educated decision? Having him suggest I’m only sexually interested in other GUYS?
ERICA
Well... How long has it been since you’ve even had a girlfriend? Since...Becky, at least.
NOLAN
(beat) Sorry. Didn’t know it was such a concern for you, but you are wrong. I go for women. (beat) Even though dealing with YOU has been a case for the contrary. (beat) Stop trying to side step this issue.
ERICA
For what?
NOLAN
Stop it! Stop pretending you don’t know!
(Lights crossfade to the children. Adults exit.)
KYLE
So this Friday, remember the name Kyle Barnes.
RILEY
And remember mine too. It’s Wooley. Just like his grandma’s upper lip.
KYLE
Hey.
(Lights bang out to black.)