“Twenty-Nine and Online”

(Lights up. ANDREW, KEVIN, NICOLE and FRANKIE are huddled around the US counter, handful of wrapped gifts on it.)

ANDREW

It’s three-thirty. I have a client to meet at four.

NICOLE

I didn’t think you worked on Sundays.

ANDREW

I’m picking up a few more on the weekends. Pay Julie’s ring off.

KEVIN

Ring? When’d you get her a ring?

NICOLE

Last month. He told you.

KEVIN

No. Last month, he said he was only going to ask her. He never said nothing about making a down payment.

FRANKIE

Well, at least they’re doing it. Marriage is great.

(Kevin scoffs.)

My best years were the ones I spent with Burt.

KEVIN

Frankie, last week you said your best years were in detox. Marriage sucks, and unfortunately I love every minute.

NICOLE

All right, enough. You guys are going to scare Troy when he gets here.

KEVIN

Please, the man’s fearless.

ANDREW

How?

NICOLE

Twenty-nine years and no girlfriend.

FRANKIE

Don’t over-exaggerate. He’s had girls before.

KEVIN

How many times has he brought a girl in here more than twice?

(Frankie attempts to answer.)

Not including his mother.

(Frankie stays quiet.)

ANDREW

It IS pretty strange. Every time we HEAR of him finding someone new, it never works out long enough for US to meet her.

NICOLE

He knows what he wants. He doesn’t waste time. Just hasn’t found the right girl yet.

KEVIN

Or guy.

ANDREW

Yeah, right.

(Others scoff.)

KEVIN

What? It’s possible. Think of it.

NICOLE

I don’t think so.

KEVIN

He’s clean. He’s smart. He cares about people, and it APPEARS he can’t relate to women.

NICOLE

I think WE identify with each other.

KEVIN

I mean women who will actually touch his dick.

FRANKIE

KEVIN.

KEVIN

Penis, sorry.

(Frankie nods.)

ANDREW

All right. It’s almost three-forty. I gotta’ go.

(TROY enters from USC.)

Tell him I said the usual. He’s getting bald, fat and ugly, and happy birthday.

TROY

Sounds like Hallmark’s got competition.

KEVIN

Hey, there he is!

FRANKIE

There’s my boy.

NICOLE

Happy Birthday!

ANDREW

Ya’ fat and ugly bastard.

TROY

Sorry I’m late.

KEVIN

Don’t worry about it. We know it takes a bit to get out of your high heels and your slip.

TROY

What?

KEVIN

Nothing.

TROY

Truck was late. My log was messed up. Took me forever.

ANDREW

Yeah, yeah. We’ll cry for you later. I’ve got a client at four.

(Troy looks at him.)

TROY

The ring?

ANDREW

Yeah, so...

(He grabs a gift from the counter.)

ANDREW

Open it, and I’m out.

(Troy opens the gift. It’s a bottle of high end cologne.)

TROY

Hey. Good deal. Now I can actually smell like a human.

ANDREW

(Crosses USC.)

Leave it YOU to steal my joke. Happy Birthday, man. Yap at you all tomorrow.

(He exits USC.)

TROY

Thanks.

NICOLE

Bye.

TROY

(to Nicole) So?

NICOLE

No, open Kevin’s next. Mine’s stupid.

KEVIN

Yeah.

(He hands his gift to Troy. Troy unwraps it. It is a book.)

TROY

Huh. (reading cover) “How to Check Out Chicks and Not Get Caught.” (beat) Boy, Robert Ludlum is REALLY running low on material, isn’t he.

KEVIN

It’s a gag. There’s a gift card inside. Get you some clothes, sneakers.

TROY

All right. Got clothes, smell good stuff and education on methods for stalking women. (to Nicole) Now?

FRANKIE

I’ve got one.

TROY

Oh.

FRANKIE

I’m wiping your tab.

TROY

(touched) Again?

(Frankie shrugs.)

I’d love to know how you make money.

FRANKIE

I own the building.

NICOLE

Okay. (beat) Open mine now.

(She hands Troy her gift, and he unwraps it, excited.)

TROY

You always say your gifts are stupid, but you find such cool things.

(Nicole smiles as he opens the gift. It is a CD. He frowns.)

NICOLE

(beat) It’s a digital journal.

TROY

Journal?

NICOLE

Yeah, like a regular one, but you keep it on the computer. Formats it into a manuscript, in case you ever decide to make a book out of what you write.

TROY

(Looks it over.)

This is truly great. Thank you so much.

(Troy hugs Nicole.)

KEVIN

That IS neat. May have to get one myself.

NICOLE

I don’t think anyone cares to read how you start rubbing yourself every time H-B-O plays an Olsen twins movie.

KEVIN

Hey.

TROY

This was great, you guys. Frankie. Thank you so much.

(They smile.)

So what now?

NICOLE

Well, I’d take you to dinner, but Bradley doesn’t like you, so...

TROY

Right. How are things there?

NICOLE

Don’t ask.

TROY

Okay, well... (to Kevin) Movie?

KEVIN

They’re sixteen now, you know. They’re almost legal.

(Troy frowns.)

The Olsen twins.

TROY

Oh-Kay. Frankie?

FRANKIE

Sorry, kid. My blood’s moving slow today. I’m headed for a nap.

(Troy is disappointed.)

NICOLE

We’ll all go to Chivago’s on Friday, eh?

TROY

Yeah, fine.

NICOLE

I’d better go.

(She hugs him again.)

KEVIN

Me, too. It’s Sara’s birthday today too.

TROY

It’s your kid’s birthday, and you’re here with us?

KEVIN

What? She’ll have another one. Had one just last year. (beat) Friday sounds good.

(He exits USC.)

TROY

See ya’.

NICOLE

Call me later if you get bored.

TROY

Okay.

(Smiling, she exits USC.)

FRANKIE

Well, I’m heading upstairs.

(She cross USC and locks the entrance.)

Hop on the web if you want. That girl’s probably wondering where you are by now. Lock when you leave, eh.

TROY

(beat) What girl?

FRANKIE

The one you talk with for hours on-line. I’m not stupid. I see what you’re doing when you’re in here.

TROY

You didn’t...tell the others...did you?

FRANKIE

(Crossing SR.)

None of my business.

TROY

You think it’s silly though.

FRANKIE

None of my business.

(She exits SR. Troy thinks a moment and quickly logs on one of the already booted US computers.)

TROY

(to himself) Four o’clock, she should still be on.

(He logs onto the Internet. A moment passes.)

Nothing.

(Troy asides.)

(to audience) Last Christmas, my mom signed me up for this Internet love network. I know it’s embarrassing. Plenty of girls right here, right? But, I’ve got a feeling...THAT kind of someone isn’t HERE for me. (beat) Think I’m too hard on myself mostly. Never thought I was particularly good looking.

TROY (cont)

No one’s ever even said so, that I could believe. Nanna Mahugug used to tell me I was a fine looking boy. (beat) Course, she said the same thing about K-D Lang. (beat) Yes, Mahugug IS my real last name. We think it’s Scottish. Theory is...one of our four forefathers stumbled onto Ellis Island, drunk as shit, slurring the surname McDonald. Hey, every family needs a legacy, like sexual deviance and the Kennedy’s. (beat) See, when it comes to women...I have a tendency to say the wrong things, especially when I think I’m being supportive. Like, had this one girl. Took me shopping. Trying on jeans and stuff. She asks me, “Does this pair make me look fat?” Meaning the very best, I told her, “No. (beat) I think they hide it pretty well.” She didn’t appreciate that too much. Doctor said my testicle should return to its normal size any day now. See, the problem lies within. I DO care to take time and get to know the women I date. Mean, they wanna’ know ME, except...I don’t much LIKE the women I meet. They always seem to remind me of someone who rubbed me the wrong way as a kid, like my sixth grade home room teacher, or my dad, or Father Patrick. Course, I hear Father Patrick liked to rub ALL the kids the WRONG way, if you get me. (beat) So, I thought I’d try this love network out. Couldn’t hurt, right? And I did meet someone pretty cool. Well, haven’t MET her, of course. According to her profile, she’s not even that far away. East Providence in fact. Been talking with her on-line for about six months now. Her name’s Melani. (beat) I like her. She’s funny. And the fact I haven’t seen what she looks like makes me more...comfortable...with saying silly shit too her. Not afraid to joke around. Have time to think of what I’m going to say to her next. A good concept for guys like me, except...I could never tell my friends. They’re all... INVOLVED. Their perspective is distorted by companionship. They wouldn’t understand, and I hate to hear what they’d say if they found out.

(Computer CHIMES US. Troy returns to it.)

Hey!

(Typing.)

Well, it’s about time, Foxy. (reading) Patience is a virtue you don’t have.

(Typing.)

True. Thought you would’ve been on a while now. (reading) Have you been waiting?

(Typing.)

No. Got out of work late. Did a birthday thing with friends. (reading) Birthday thing? Today?

TROY (cont)

(Typing.)

Yes. What did you get me? (reading) What did you want me to get you?

(Thinks. Typing.)

A picture of you. (pause, reading) I don’t think so.

(Typing.)

You have all MY information. You know exactly who I am, and I know NOTHING about where you work or what you do for a living, or even what you look like. What’s the secrecy? Think you’re going to end up an unsolved mystery on America’s Most Wanted? (Pause, reading) I’m not very good looking.

(He thinks and asides.)

(to audience) We have the same hang ups. We both think we’re unattractive. See, a relationship where two people can’t agree on who’s the pretty one and who’s the funny one is doomed from the beginning. One of us HAS to be attractive. It’s a necessity. One of us has to be good looking enough to be the voice for both. Otherwise, no one will care to listen to us. (beat) I can play this cool.

(Typing.)

Well... I respect your feelings, but I do REALLY want to know you face to face. With that said, YOU can decided when I get to see or heaven forbid MEET you. I won’t say another word on it.

(He gives a thumbs up to the audience.)

(reading) I really like you, but I’m not sure I want you knowing ME just yet. (beat) But if it’s REALLY your birthday... Have you ever had...cyber sex?

(Typing.)

NO.

(Shamefully, he nods “yes” to the audience.)

(reading) We could do something special like that. I’m pretty imaginative. (to himself) Oh, man. Now she’s going to want a credit card number.

(Lights slowly fade to black.)

End of Scene One.