KEN

That was the last one, Katherine, I swear it!

KATHERINE

I understand, Ken; I hear you.

KEN

No, you don’t understand. You hear me, but you don’t understand.

KATHERINE

I understand you, and I hear you.

KEN

No, you don’t!

    (He dramatically waves the tin in the air)

Half of my patients wouldn’t even need me as long as they do if they’d adhere to some basic listening skills. You know, listening has nothing to do with hearing.

    (KATHERINE tries to interrupt)

All that whining and crying and carrying on and on and on! The majority of those people just got up there to hear themselves speak, you know.

KATHERINE

What are we talking about now?

KEN

See? There you go; you’re not listening to me!

KATHERINE

    (Honestly)

I’m not listening, or I’m not hearing? Or don’t I understand?

KEN

Your subtle sarcasm is an unattractive quality, Katherine.

KATHERINE

But I am...confused, Ken! I really am! You switched conversations on me.

KEN

That was the last one, Katherine, and I mean what I say.

KATHERINE

Our last conversation?

KEN

    (Losing it)

Funeral! That was my last funeral! You can go by yourself next time! Or take a friend!

    (Exasperated, he accidentally drops the tin)

KATHERINE

    (She picks up the tin and hands it back to him)

You wouldn’t have even gone if they hadn’t let you speak. Besides, Ken, it isn’t as if it were just anybody. This was a relative; it was important that we both were there.

KEN

He was your mother’s sister’s husband. You didn’t even share the same blood. No one should have to attend a funeral where their spouse isn’t even of the same blood as the deceased.

KATHERINE

That’s true, but I don’t think that should have been the opening of your eulogy....

KEN

    (He notices left over ashes in the fireplace. He walks over, picks up the fireplace broom and

    begins to sweep up)

Nobody would have cared one way or another. And the least they could have done was provide a decent lunch. The Gaspar funeral last month had pheasant! Pheasant’s a far cry from cheese and crackers.

KATHERINE

This was all bad timing, I know. You’re just stressed, honey. But it’s only five. We have three hours to finish up....

KEN

The guests will be here at seven.

KATHERINE

But the writer won’t be here until eight. I’m sure your patients can just relax a bit if things aren’t ready on time.

    (She goes to the small end table by the couch and picks up the small, white box)

 Is this ready? Do you need to charge the batteries or plug it in?

KEN

    (Dropping the broom, he grabs the box from her and puts it back)

Don’t touch that dial, Katherine…

KATHERINE

I’m not, I’m not…

KEN

This is just the prototype; I’m still unsure of its total power. I don’t need my wife messing around with it.

KATHERINE

I’m sorry, I won’t touch it.

KEN

And what’s it doing lying around in the open? It should have stayed locked in the cabinet until tonight.

KATHERINE

Well, I told Fulga to put it on the table this afternoon so it would be all ready.

KEN

It needs to stay hidden. I wouldn’t put it past Wright to put on a Santa outfit and come through the chimney to steal it.

KATHERINE

Oh, but he’s been at the funeral all day with us.

KEN

    (He continues to clean the fireplace)

I was being sarcastic, Katherine. No, he wouldn’t dare come into our house to steal it; I’m sure he employs thugs to do his dirty work.

KATHERINE

You still think he was the one who took your original plans for the box?

KEN

I know he hired someone to do it.

KATHERINE

Well, that’s all under the bridge now. After all, you created the box, and you’re the one who’s going to get the publicity after Mr. Whitney writes his article, and you’re the one who’s going to help all those people…

KEN

And I’m the one who’ll be collecting all the money. If it works.

KATHERINE

Oh, it’ll work. It worked on those laboratory monkeys didn’t it?

KEN

    (He notices there is no place to put the swept up ashes, so after a moment he opens the tin and puts

    the ashes inside. KATHERINE grimaces slightly)

Yes, but those were simple commands. Who knows what it will do to a whole bunch of nutcases.

KATHERINE

Make sure you don’t slip and say that in front of your patients, Ken.

KEN

Don’t lecture me. They love it when I call them nutjobs. It makes them feel like they have personalities. Now why are we standing here talking? Make sure everyone is ready to go.

KATHERINE

If they’re not, the guests can wait in the living room until we finish things up.

KEN

“We?” What are we paying those people in white for? They’d better have things ready by seven; they’ve had plenty of warning.

KATHERINE

They will, dear; I’ll just go check with Fulga.

    (She starts to exit into the kitchen)

KEN

Did you notice the way he was acting when we were surrounding the urn?

KATHERINE

Who, darling?

KEN

Eyes all red and puffy; acting as if he personally knew him.

KATHERINE

You mean Wright? Well he did know Uncle Michael. He became his doctor last month when Dr. Adams retired. We are talking about Dr. Wright aren’t we?

KEN

Last month? No wonder he died.

    (He tosses the tin on the couch and sits down next to it)

In any case, all that over sentiment was very unprofessional.

KATHERINE

He wasn’t crying. It was his allergies.

KEN

Allergies? From what?

KATHERINE

Daniela Burrows thought it must have been from the...from the...ashes.

KEN

No one’s fault but his own; bending over and peering in like a snoopy neighbor.

KATHERINE

I think that was just Dr. Wright’s way of saying “goodbye.”

KEN

Why would he need to look in anyway? What did he expect to see down there?

KATHERINE

    (Honestly)

I’m not sure, but I don’t think you should have said that out loud either…

KEN

    (Small grin)
He got a little teed off, didn’t he?

KATHERINE

I don’t know, I guess he might have been upset...but he wasn’t officially there was he, Ken? I mean, unless you believe in spiritual phenomenon.

KEN

I wasn’t talking about your Uncle Michael! I was talking about Wright!

KATHERINE

Oh.

    (A thought)

Perhaps you’re a little tired, Ken. Maybe you should lie down awhile before all the activity starts.

    (The kitchen door swings open and TONY comes in, dressed in chef ware)

TONY

Excuse me, I didn’t mean to interrupt…

KEN

Who are you?

TONY

I’m Tony. I’m the culinary artist for the evening.

KATHERINE

Oh, that’s right.

KEN

Where’s Alberto and Lucas?

KATHERINE

They had other plans tonight, I forgot to tell you.

KEN

They’ve known about this for weeks!

KATHERINE

Yes, but apparently they got a once in a lifetime job tonight, and they said they couldn’t pass it up.

KEN

They’re fired.

KATHERINE

That’s fine. They also said you could fire them if you wanted to.

KEN

What kind of “once in a lifetime job” would they take and jeopardize their jobs here?

KATHERINE

I don’t know…

KEN

After ten years you would expect…

    (He thinks)

…this smells like Wright.

KATHERINE

What do you mean?

KEN

Getting rid of my only cooks on the night I need them most. Sounds like sabotage to me…

TONY

Should I come back at another time?

KEN

NO! Who hired you?

TONY

A woman named….I think her name was, “Foolga?”

KATHERINE

Oh, Fulga. That’s our head housekeeper.

TONY

She called my agency.

KEN

Where’s the other chef?

TONY

Please, sir, if you don’t mind, we prefer, “culinary artists.”

KEN

Where’s the other cook?

TONY

My cousin, Rico. He has not arrived as of yet.

KEN

Let me know when he gets here. I want to debrief the both of you at the same time.

TONY

Debrief, sir?

KEN

You need to understand the importance of this evening. It’s bad enough I have to break in two new servants on a night like this.

TONY

You have nothing to worry about, sir. We’ve completed our schooling at Dubrulle International Culinary and Hotel Institute of Canada.

KEN

So what you’re saying is you have a license to cook at The Howard Johnson’s?

TONY

Well, not exactly…

KEN

Comforting. I’m going to lie down for a while.

KATHERINE

Oh, that’s a good idea. I’ll come up and get you an aspirin.

KEN

    (To TONY)

You get started with or without your partner.

KATHERINE

If you need anything, just find Fulga. She’s probably in one of the rooms making up the beds.

KEN

Speaking of that, where’s that bell I bought?

KATHERINE

It’s in the kitchen, dear. I’ll get it later.

KEN

Did you go over the bell rules with the staff yet?

KATHERINE

Not yet, but I…

KEN

We’ve purchased a brass bell for this evening. Whenever you hear it, you come running like Pavlov’s dogs.

KATHERINE

Let’s go lay down, Ken. I’ll explain the bell situation to Fulga and the rest of the staff before the guests arrive.

KEN

Fine. I have a tremendous headache.

    (He hands the red tin to KATHERINE)

Here. Take your uncle’s ashes and put them somewhere outside this house. I don’t want to see them ever again.

    (He exits)

KATHERINE

Here, um…Mr., um?

TONY

You can call me Tony, ma’am.

KATHERINE

Would you please put this…somewhere out of the way. I’ll find some place to put it later.

TONY

Do they need to be refrigerated?

KATHERINE

Oh, no, nothing like that. Just put them somewhere where Dr. Sandora won’t find them.

    (She exits out the hallway. TONY just shrugs and heads for the kitchen. But before he goes, he

spots the white speaker-like box on the end table. He goes to it and gingerly picks it up to take a closer look. As his back is turned, the closet door behind him slowly opens. RICO tiptoes out and stands right behind TONY. In addition to his outfit, he is wearing a diamond around a necklace. It’s gaudy. He taps him on the shoulder and TONY jumps up, nearly dropping the box)

TONY

What the-

RICO

Hey, cousin. Scared you, huh?

TONY

What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack? I almost dropped this thing!

RICO

Is this his box?

TONY

It looks like a piece of crap. Wires all sticking out…

RICO

Wanna try it out first?

TONY

NO! I shouldn’t even be touching it.

    (He puts it back)

Where were you?

    (He looks back)

Were you hiding in the closet this whole time?

RICO

Yeah, I got here a couple of hours ago and went through the whole plan, but they got home a little earlier than I expected so I had to hide in the closet.

TONY

    (He grabs his heart)

Jeesh, you got my mitro valve prolapse acting up. Where’s all your box and the rest of the stuff?

RICO

    (Going back to the closet, he bends down and picks up a small suitcase)

It’s all here.

    (He opens it up)

TONY

Let me check, I don’t want you messing everything up.

RICO

    (He shows the items from the suitcase to TONY while naming them off one by one)

Blueprints, music, masks, earmuffs…

TONY

Where’s Wright’s box?

RICO

Here.

    (He pulls out a similar looking box, but this one is put together more professionally)

I like this one better.

TONY

Yeah, but they both work the same. Where are the copies of the patient charts?

RICO

    (He fiddles in the upper partition of the suitcase)

Right here.

TONY

Four files, right?

RICO

Four patients, four files.

TONY

And you’ve been reviewing them?

    (TONY takes one of the files and leafs through it)

RICO

I’ve memorized them. I got them from Dr. Wright on Monday, and since last night it’s all up here.

    (He points to his head)

TONY

What is an “O”?

RICO

That would be Omar Limon, patient number 61971. His friends and family call him “O”. Twenty-two years old and has been a patient of the doctor for only six months.

    (Throughout the following lines, TONY looks through the other three files)

PTSD patient.

TONY

    (He checks his pulse at the neck)

And that would be?

RICO

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This one’s really strange. Apparently, Mr. Limon has seen “one too many scary movies” in his lifetime. Swears he started watching horror movies after Romper Room refused to call out “Omar” in the magic mirror.

TONY

    (He grabs his heart again)

Wow, I can feel my arterial wall thickening from the stress.

    (Back to the charts)

What else?

RICO

Apparently it got to him one day. He had just finished watching Stephen King’s Christine, and Mom found him an hour later laying under her Mercedes claiming the thing had gotten pissed off and backed right over him. Mom brought him to Dr. Sandora’s office within three hours. They would have been there sooner, but Omar made them take bikes.

TONY

I can’t believe he has so many young people taking part in his experiment.

RICO

I think that’s part of the reason why Dr. Wright is so upset.

TONY

Upset? What are you talking about? I thought he just wanted to see how the box works.  

RICO

Oh, yeah, I’m sure that’s really what this is all about.

TONY

What are you hiding from me?

RICO

Nothing.

    (TONY looks at him)
Nothing! I was just doing my own thinking.

TONY

God help us.

    (BEAT)

Now you’re going to help me with the cooking until it’s time for you to do your job. What’s your basic plan for the closet?

RICO

I put the ear muffs on, pull them in one and at a time, and put them under hypnosis. Simple.

TONY

How are you going to distract the doctor so you can get at the patients?

RICO

Don’t even think about it. You do the cooking; I’ve gone over the plan for a week now. I have a whole script written out with endless possibilities written and rehearsed. When does Dr. Wright pay us?

TONY

He dropped off the first half this morning on his way out to some funeral.

RICO

And the rest?

TONY

Tonight after the job is done. Of course, I have no idea how he’s going to know if we did anything or not.

RICO

Because when I got here I installed a listening device under the couch and a small camera in that heating vent up there. He’ll be in a van across the street listening and watching the whole time.

TONY

Not a very good move. I think Sandora’s already suspecting Wright as it is. If he finds out, I’ll have another heart attack for sure.

RICO

Tony, stop talking about heart attacks! That was built up gas and you know it. You’re twenty-eight years old…you’re not going to have a heart attack. And if Sandora does find out Wright stole his idea and hired us to biff it all up for him, who cares? We’ll be carrying our cash and flying out of the city.

    (Thought)

Hey, did you tell them we graduated from that culinary school in Canada?

    (TONY nods)

Such a nice touch!