PETE
(He pushes some levers on his control panel, and the stage is plummeted into a world of yellow)
How’s this for act one, scene four?
JACQUIE
(Yelling towards the back)
It’s fine; the audience will think the cast is jaundiced!
PETE
No, I hit the wrong button. Here.
(The stage goes black)
How’s that?
JACQUIE
(Beat)
Actually, the audience may thank you.
PETE
No, not the black out! Wait a second!
(A mixture of soft purples and blues slowly fade up)
See, for Mercutio’s dream monologue!
JACQUIE
I don’t know; it may be too dark! Bring up the intensity a bit!
(He does as CHRISTINE enters in from the back. She is holding a man-made “fat suit” and carrying a clipboard, which she is never without)
PETE
You know, Jacquie, I just can’t figure out this new lighting board. There are thousands of controls, switches, and buttons. I don’t think there is any way I can memorize and program this board in four weeks.
JACQUIE
Maybe we should have just kept the old one.
PETE
That old board was created before they even had drama.
(PETE stays in the sound/light booth throughout, reading a technical manual)
JACQUIE
How’s the fat suit, Christine?
CHRISTINE
It’s finished. Do you want Debbie to try it on today or what?
JACQUIE
Can’t we push the fitting back a few more rehearsals?
CHRISTINE
We could if the fitting goes all right. But if there’s something wrong with the size, I may not have it done for dress rehearsal.
JACQUIE
When is the dress again?
CHRISTINE
Two weeks from tomorrow.
JACQUIE
I am not looking forward to this. She throws a fit at least once a rehearsal, and she hasn’t even seen it.
CHRISTINE
You would too if you had lost almost a hundred pounds and then had to wear a fat suit.
JACQUIE
Maybe we could entice her a little by adding a little stuffing to her chest to make her more “voluptuous.”
PHIL
(Walking in from the back, script in his hand)
I doubt the farmers can harvest that much cotton.
JACQUIE
I wasn’t talking to you, Phil!
PHIL
Yes, but I like to be helpful when I can.
CHRISTINE
Actually, I made it out of wool, not cotton.
PHIL
So here I am, Jacquie, right on time.
JACQUIE
Then go get into character. You’re method, remember?
PHIL
I’m always in character, Jacquie. I have been Mercutio since day one, and I will be…
(He sniffs the air)
What is that…what is that…intoxicating scent you’re wearing?
JACQUIE
I cleaned my cat box before I left for rehearsal, Phil.
PHIL
(He stops)
Oh.
JACQUIE
I hired someone for Tybalt, Phil.
CHRISTINE
Talk about last minute.
JACQUIE
He’s an excellent actor; he played Tybalt two years ago off-Broadway.
PHIL
How far off Broadway?
JACQUIE
Cleveland. But that doesn’t mean he’s not reputable! Besides, chances are he still remembers his lines. He’ll be here tomorrow afternoon. He’s also a writer; he just finished writing a hysterical farce for his local theatre about a group of actors putting on an off-Broadway play.
PHIL
Yeah, that’s just what the theatre needs-another play about actors putting on a play. What’s his name?
JACQUIE
Buck Powers.
PHIL
Buck Powers? Sounds like a porn star name.
(He throws his hands up)
Why go through the process of hiring another actor? I told you I can do both parts. They’re both small parts!
JACQUIE
(Losing it)
Phil, Tybalt kills Mercutio! How are you going to do that? Stab yourself? It’ll look like suicide!
PHIL
I’m great at committing suicide! I played Jessie Cates in “Night Mother” in high school that knocked the audience off their seats.
JACQUIE
Jessie Cates is a female character, Phil.
PHIL
It was an all boy’s school. No one kills themselves like I do.
JACQUIE
And no one drinks like a fish as you do either!
PHIL
I promised you all…I think…that I wouldn’t drink once during rehearsals!
JACQUIE
You’re drunk now, Phil.
PHIL
But we haven’t started rehearsals yet have we?
(AARON and SANDI walk in from back)
JACQUIE
Oh, good, we’re almost all here. How’re you feeling, Sandi? Nothing out of the ordinary?
AARON
Well, she’s as big as a house. Is that considered out of the ordinary?
SANDI
(Waddling in from back stage. She’s seven and a half months pregnant)
I’m getting tired of fat jokes; now I know how Debbie felt.
AARON
I totally agree; fat jokes to one’s wife are rude. So then, where is Debbie?
JACQUIE
No more fat jokes to Debbie. You’re becoming more and more like Phil everyday.
AARON
How is that possible? You don’t see a drink in front of me, do you?
PHIL
Excuse me, but I’m right here in the room.
SANDI
Besides, those jokes are unwarranted. Her weight loss has been incredible!
PHIL
Well, she still has a big mouth; at least I have that.
SANDI
(She smacks PHIL in the stomach)
Jacquie said cut it out.
(She now smacks AARON in the stomach)
And by the way, Aaron, thanks for waiting for me to get out of the car. I almost had to pull myself out the sun roof.
JACQUIE
How’s the baby doing today, Sandi?
SANDI
She’s like people at a Kathi Lee concert; she’s starting to shove her way out.
JACQUIE
Not yet I hope! You have a month by my calendar.
(To AARON)
Hey, are you still working on your lines?
AARON
I’ve got the beginning down.
JACQUIE
(Sighs)
The beginning? Terrific. Why don’t we just change the play to Romeo and Rosalind?
AARON
Well, I’m sure we could.
(Beat)
If someone could tell me who Rosalind is.
JACQUIE
Oh my-
AARON
I’m just kidding, Jacquie! You take everything so seriously! Jeesh, we can’t even joke with you these days. I know who Rosalind is!
JACQUIE
Go back stage and work on your lines, please.
AARON
(Aside, to CHRISTINE)
Now, who’s Rosalind again?
(CHRISTINE shoves him backstage as MATTHEW, DEBBIE, and CHICKY walk in from back)
CHICKY
I hope we’re not late; the police were taking away a flasher out back in the alley.
JACQUIE
(CHRISTINE hides the fat suit)
We had a real flasher outside? Here? Overcoat and everything?
CHICKY
He was all scary and dirty.
DEBBIE
One of the theatre janitors held him there until the police got there.
PHIL
Did the police know who to arrest?
JACQUIE
You’re right on time. Are we all here?
CHRISTINE
Yup, that makes six.
JACQUIE
We’re starting with the banquet scene. Chicky, go get Aaron. Let’s not waste any time; we’re starting in sixty seconds.
(Everybody begins to take their places as CHICKY goes backstage. As the actors are moving, DEBBIE sees that CHRISTINE is hiding something)
DEBBIE
What are you hiding?
CHRISTINE
Who? What?
(She shoves it further behind her back)
DEBBIE
That big piece of…fluff! What is that?
JACQUIE
(Avoiding an argument)
Now, Debbie, we talked about this.
DEBBIE
Insult me more! Drive the knife in deeper! First you make me the Nurse of all characters, and then you make me wear this-
(Grabbing the fat suit from CHRISTINE)
cotton…thing!
CHRISTINE
Actually, I made it out of wool.
DEBBIE
Wool? You’re joking, right?
CHRISTINE
What’s wrong with wool?
DEBBIE
Do you know how many people are allergic to wool? Well, I happen to be one of those!
CHRISTINE
Can’t you take a Claratin?
DEBBIE
Not for hives! I break out all over at the sheer mention of wool!
PHIL
(Looking closely at her face)
Oh, I thought that was acne.
CHRISTINE
Don’t worry about it then; I’ll come up with some sort of anti-allergy solution. Costume creators do it all the time.
DEBBIE
Look, I don’t care if you make it out of a left over boob job! I just lost over a hundred pounds, and now you’re making me put it all back on again!
JACQUIE
Debbie, the audience will know it’s not real.
CHRISTINE
(Offended)
No, they won’t!
JACQUIE
Just see what you can do, Christine.
DEBBIE
I’m deeply offended that you would even think of me as playing the Nurse. You typecast me when you thought I was still fat! That is so offensive!
(She shoves her script into JACQUIE’s face)
Look here, every time the Nurse is onstage you have her shoving food in her face.
JACQUIE
That was a character decision I made. It doesn’t necessarily make her a fat cow. She could just as easily be portrayed as a bulimic!
DEBBIE
And what am I supposed to do about all this food? I can’t eat half the stuff you have listed here! Cakes and brownies and cookies-
PHIL
Oh my!
DEBBIE
I can’t eat this on my diet!
SANDI
Maybe we can use plastic food.
(Thinks about it)
Oh, okay, I get it. Never mind.
JACQUIE
Now listen. The Nurse is Shakespeare’s most famous comedic character. I knew it would take an actress of your comedic timing. Besides, the last actress that played the Nurse in Los Angeles was a known anorexic! Now doesn’t that make you feel better?
PHIL
The last actress to play the Nurse in LA was Rosie O’Donnell.
JACQUIE
Go along with it, Phil!
PHIL
Just trying to be helpful.
JACQUIE
In fact, many thin actresses from all over the world have played the Nurse.
DEBBIE
Name three.
JACQUIE
Well, there’s Sigorney Weaver…Meryl Streep…Susan Sarandon…
PHIL
Kathy Bates.
JACQUIE
…Kathy Bates…
PHIL
Orson Wells.
JACQUIE
…Orson Wells…
(Shakes her head furiously. Then, to PHIL)
Will you knock it off!
(Back to DEBBIE)
Look, Debbie, everyone knows you’ve lost a lot of weight.
If you want, I can even print it up in the program!
DEBBIE
How about letting me take the fat suit off for curtain call?
JACQUIE
(Thinks. Then gives in)
Fine, fine, you may take it off for curtain call.
PHIL
I must ask this, Debbie, even if it’s none of my business…and even though I really don’t think I care all that much in the first place…but how did you manage to lose all that weight?
DEBBIE
(Pleased)
Oh, you’ve noticed? Well, for years I tried diet after diet, but nothing ever worked. Then, one night I was at a Weight Watchers meeting, frustrated that I had gained three pounds that very week.
SANDI
You gained three pounds on the diet?
DEBBIE
Yes, can you believe it? I never cheated either. I ate all the meals that Weight Watchers gave me.
PHIL
You’re not supposed to eat them all in one setting.
DEBBIE
(Points to her butt)
Kiss it, Phil.
PHIL
(As an Indian chief)
Can’t. Lips not big enough.
DEBBIE
But I finally found the plan for me: the Adkin’s Diet.
CHICKY
The “no-carb-all-protein?”
DEBBIE
The very one. Within weeks I had lost twenty pounds. It only took me seven months to get like this.
(She points to herself)
JACQUIE
Now, as enlightening as this all is, may I please have everyone take their places?
(She yells backstage)
Aaron, Chicky, let’s go!
AARON
(Yelling back)
Where are we starting from?
JACQUIE
Where Romeo and Juliet first meet.
(AARON and CHICKY appear)
CHICKY
“Pilgrim’s hands do touch?”
JACQUIE
Yes, that scene, but from the beginning. Christine?
CHRISTINE
Start with, “You are welcome, gentlemen! Come, musicians, play.” Everyone else, backstage!
(They all take their places for the dance. CHRISTINE and JACQUIE sit in the front row of the audience seats)
MATTHEW
“You are welcome, gentlemen! Come, musicians, play.”
JACQUIE
And music, Pete!
(PETE pulls a level and some strange, heavy metal music comes blaring through. Everybody
stops and puts their hands to their ears. JACQUIE yells up)
You wanna tell me what that is?
PETE
(As the music stops)
Oh, sorry!
(He ejects a CD)
Aaron! You left your Metallica CD in here again!
JACQUIE
What did I say about using the equipment! What if that would have happened during a show?
PETE
I’m getting the right music, hang on.
AARON
This play could use a little pick me up!
JACQUIE
Try having some character, Aaron; that just might do it.
PETE
Okay, here we go!
(The right music starts. Everyone begins dancing…badly. It is the typical dance seen in
all Romeo and Juliet versions, with the hand touching and the turning. )
JACQUIE
Wait, stop, stop. I thought I went over the dance movements of the period; you all look like crossing guard rejects.
(She walks up to them and grabbing AARON, she begins to model the dance she’s looking for. JACQUIE makes it look ridiculous, as does the cast as they try it as well)
See, nice and easy. It’s just touch and turn, touch and turn, okay?
(She goes back and sits down)
And…go!
(They dance as badly as JACQUIE did)
MATTHEW
(To SANDI)
“Ah, madam, this unlooked-for sport comes well.
Nay, sit, nay, sit, Lady Capulet,
For you and I are past our dancing days.
How long is ‘t now since last yourself and I
Were in a mask?”
SANDI
“By, thirty years.”
MATTHEW
“Come Pentecost as quickly as it will,
Some five-and-twenty years, and then we masked.”
(AARON sees CHICKY across the room)
JACQUIE
(After a beat or two)
Aaron? Aaron, it’s your line.
AARON
Um…
JACQUIE
Christine?
CHRISTINE
(Looking at the script)
“What lady’s…”
AARON
“What lady’s…”
CHRISTINE
“…that which doth enrich…”
AARON
“…that which doth enrich…”
CHRISTINE
“…the hand of yonder knight?”
AARON
“…the hand of yonder knight?”
JACQUIE
(Throwing her own script on the stage)
This is ridiculous! Take my script!
(He does)
Continue!
AARON
(Using the script)
“O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright.
It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night
Like a rich jewel in an Ethiop’s ear;
Beauty too rich for use, for Earth too dear.
(CHICKY and AARON walk to each other)
If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough neck touch with a tender kiss.”
CHICKY
“Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.”
AARON
(Trying not to use the script)
“Have not saints lisps, and holy…holy…
(Beat)
…holy…”
JACQUIE
Holy CRAP! Use the script, that’s what I gave it to you for! And it’s “saints lips, not saints lisps!
AARON
Like anyone is going to pick that up! It’s Shakespeare!