Scene Two
(Lights up. It is now the early afternoon. Caroline, Todd, Carl and Shelly are all seated around the table in that order. Dennis sits on the loveseat. Todd has the lap-top before him. He and Carl have coffee. A mound of wadded paper overflows a nearby waste basket.)
TODD
(from the screen) All right. An escaped convict goes incognito as the driver for the Penzoil Nascar motor racing team...eh?
(Carl nods, the others shrug.)
His Pit Chief is actually a bounty hunter who has ALSO gone undercover to catch the escapee, YET procrastinating in his job because the convict is evidently a very talented and skillful race car driver, and the Pit Chief has been cleaning up by betting on the convict in the Las Vegas casinos.
DENNIS
You sure he’d be corrupt enough to bet on the guy he’s chasing down?
CARL
He’s a bounty hunter. Not a law man.
SHELLY
How did the convict learn to drive racing cars?
TODD
In prison.
(Shelly frowns.)
He got to read a lot.
(Shelly shakes her head.)
CAROLINE
(very relaxed) Don’t you think there’s a lot more material to work with if the bounty hunter was one of those crusty-yet-benign-quick-at-the-mouth female types?
(Todd and Carl look at each other.)
CARL and TODD
NO.
CAROLINE
Yes, she could have a child she’s trying to raise out of poverty. That’s her motivation for her gambling habits.
CARL and TODD
NO.
SHELLY
What if the convict loses an important race for the Pit Chief, causing him to owe these Vegas mobster guys a ton of money, and the convict and the Pit Chief have to romp across the country having adventures hiding out from the mafia and stuff?
CARL and TODD
(beat) NO.
(Shelly stands frustrated and crosses US to the terrace door. Dennis approaches the table.)
DENNIS
Guys...that’s not a bad idea. Why can’t they be on the run together?
TODD
Because it’s stupid and done before.
CARL
Exactly.
CAROLINE
Buddy pictures are up, gentlemen. It could be a good idea.
TODD
Look. We already got twenty pages written. We’re almost half done with a draft. Let’s just stick it out with what we got right now.
DENNIS
WE. This thing is all you guys. There’s no way an escaped convict would be able to just SLIP into a Nascar racing job. If the bounty hunter, man or woman, is to have any depth as a main character, they’ve got to have a legitimate form of motivation. Now I think Caroline’s child rearing idea is legitimate.
(Caroline is pleased.)
Not only that, it could help build a female audience if we had a female character.
TODD
(patronizing) You are SO Joe College. If you think it’s such a good idea, YOU re-write it. I’m tired of typing.
(He stands and exits into the SL bathroom.)
DENNIS
(to Caroline) Your idea.
(Carl leaves the table for the US bar. He mixes himself a drink.)
Nothing’s going to get done if we don’t start working together.
(Caroline moves to the lap-top and begins typing.)
CARL
Smooth, college-boy. Spoil a comfortable silence with a cliche. I know that’s all they teach you youngin’s out there at U-S-C.
DENNIS
Whatever.
SHELLY
You know. At least HE’s trying to help the situation, Carl. He’s trying to collaborate so the rest of us don’t get fired. You don’t have to start taking shots at his education.
(Dennis is touched by her defense of him.)
You’re better than that, Carl.
(Todd enters from the SL bathroom.)
It’s not like YOU could stand to lose your job either. Seeing how he’s been sitting on what’s been your bed for the last three weeks.
TODD
Three weeks? The fuck, Carl? You said a couple days. Thought you meant you were working on something and staying over night. Mean your condo... You’re actually homeless?
CARL
(long pause) I’ve had some...problems come up.
TODD
Like what?
CARL
It’s none of your business, Vincenzo.
TODD
None of your business, Vincenzo? Don’t make me go in my briefcase and get my gun out. What’s the big mystery?
(Carl remains silent.)
Fine. (to himself) Call me by my last name, I outta’ beat your wrinkled ass.
(He sits at the table.)
CAROLINE
All right. I’ve set up the bounty hunter as a tough single mother, and I’ve alluded to a possible romance between she and the escaped convict in future episodes. I thought it would be cute if her daughter was doing favors with the pit crew. She can be in cute little coveralls. Be really good for getting a children’s audience as well.
(They all stare at her.)
CARL
You’ve been smoking that shit again, haven’t you.
TODD
A children’s market?
DENNIS
Nascar would never let a child NEAR the pits.
TODD
What child audience will be up late enough to watch it?
CAROLINE
I’m sorry. I thought it could’ve used a little high concept, that’s all.
DENNIS
High concept, at the cost of all logic? Come on.
CAROLINE
All right, I’ll take out the child.
DENNIS
Why don’t you have the mother in a custody battle, like she was an unfit mother at one point, and now she’s fighting to get her child back.
(Todd laughs.)
What? What’s wrong with that? It’s plausible.
TODD
No, nothing. It’s realistic. (chuckle) Right, Caroline?
(Caroline glares at Todd.)
SHELLY
I like it. It’s a good idea.
DENNIS
You think so?
SHELLY
Yeah.
TODD
How about it, Caroline?
(Caroline says nothing, stands and joins Carl at the bar.)
CARL
Have another drink, why don’t you. What’s that, your fifth?
CAROLINE
Fuck off, Carl. I’ve got a lot riding on this as well. You’re no different. We all need our jobs. Todd over there’s got a family in New York he’s supporting. The kid is just getting started. I’ve got my own problems. Outside of the princess over there, we’re all screwed.
DENNIS
Hey.
(Shelly crosses to Caroline, while the boys scamper to the loveseat.)
CARL
Oh, it’s on now.
SHELLY
Princess? Who the hell are you, huh? And what are you talking about..we all have our problems? YOU’RE not going anywhere, you said. The network loves YOU. You’re the great white lay of the broadcast industry.
(The older men laugh. Dennis is confused.)
CAROLINE
As opposed to moving back into Daddy’s seven bedroom house in Beverly Hills? Oh, the humanity. What was I thinking?
SHELLY
You don’t know shit. I’ve got PLENTY riding on this.
(Caroline crosses and exits SR. A second passes, as Carl and Todd applaud and cheer.)
CARL
There’s fire in that frame.
SHELLY
Where the hell did THAT come from? She doesn’t know anything about me OR my family. Beverly Hills? Please. (pause) My father said he’d never help me with my career. He was so upset I was going to be an actor. Always dreamed of me owning and running one of those large department stores on Rodeo Drive, or even managing a casino somewhere. Completely unexpressive. (pause) I can’t go back to him for help. He probably wouldn’t let me.
DENNIS
Shelly, I can help you if you get stuck without work.
SHELLY
What?!
DENNIS
I WILL, I mean. If you need it.
SHELLY
Did you have a brain hemorrhage for breakfast? You’ll be in the same shit if this script doesn’t get done.
DENNIS
But Shelly... (deep breath)
TODD
(to Carl) Oh, god. He’s going to say it.
DENNIS
I love you.
SHELLY
(snipping) I KNOW! You tell me twenty times a day! For god’s sake, give it a rest! And you wonder why I’ve been avoiding you.
(Dennis becomes angry. He moves towards the US window and looks out, nervous. Upset, Shelly takes a moment and removes the disk from the lap-top on the table.)
I’m...going to go print what we have...so far.
(She quickly exits SR, taking the disk with her.
As soon as Shelly closes the door behind her, Carl and Todd burst out in laughter.)
CARL
OH, MAN. You’re funny, Dennis Opitz.
(Dennis glares.)
TODD
(chuckling) That was very heart felt, I must admit.
DENNIS
What’s wrong with that?
CARL and TODD
EVERYTHING.
CARL
Are you slipping the coochie?
DENNIS
What?
CARL
(badgering) Are you slipping the coochie?
TODD
(likewise) Are you laying the pipe?
CARL
Are you slapping her cat?
TODD
Are you giving her something to hang her towel on?
CARL
Are you climbing aboard the HO’ train?
DENNIS
ALL RIGHT. All right. Yes. All right? What of it?
CARL
Man, and you think “I love you” is going to cut it?
TODD
Not anymore. Not for her.
CARL
These are more modern times, college boy. Today’s ladies need to be romanced. And SHE is a prime example. She’s got all these aspirations and running around to do. This is a high turn-over job, man. She doesn’t have time for LOVE. You’ve got to show her you can take her mind off all that.
TODD
Make her feel like a woman for once, not a machine.
(He crosses to the window.)
There are at least a hundred ladies lying on that shore out there who she has to compete with everyday. It’s YOUR job to make her feel like NO ONE will be taking her place.
CARL
She’s unstoppable.
TODD
And a woman at the same time.
(Dennis ponders.)
DENNIS
So how would I do that? I can’t think of anything else to say to her when I see her. (pause) The times we’ve been together, she’s always up EARLY the next morning a B-line for the door.
CARL
And I bet she was coming HERE.
DENNIS
Yeah, but... I don’t know how else I can say what I feel. She doesn’t talk to me about how SHE’s feeling.
TODD
Now you’re starting to sound LIKE a woman.
(Once again, Dennis appears confused.)
CARL
Look, man. If “I love you” is all you can say, then just say it a different way. All women have hang ups. They need a compliment now and then, like... (thinks) Lady, with eyes like yours, I’d be making men do whatEVER I wanted. (changes voice) Girl, you are finer than a frog’s hair, cause you got it EVERYwhere.
DENNIS
Eww.
TODD
Are those jeans made of Windex cause I can see myself in them.
(Carl and Todd roar in laughter. Dennis is amused.)
CARL
Can I buy you a drink, or maybe a small island?
(Laughter again.)
TODD
That’s good. How about...is there room in your purse for the keys to my Porche?
(Dennis laughs.)
CARL
Would you like to go halves on a bastard?
TODD
Are your feet tired? You’ve been running through my mind all night.
(Carl chuckles with disgust.)
CARL
Do you believe in the hereafter? Then you know what I’m here after.
TODD
Can I buy you a drink, or would you rather just keep the money?
CARL
(calming laughter) Just something more original, man. You’re a writer. You should be able to come up with something better than the norm. That’ll show her you’ve been thinking about her and took time to think of something nice to say.
DENNIS
When...
CARL
NOW, man. As soon as she comes through that door, say something that will floor her.
DENNIS
(thinks) Shelly, you get more beautiful everyday... and today...you look like TOMORROW.
(Carl looks at Todd.)
CARL
Close enough.
(Footsteps can be heard OS approaching the SR door. It opens.)
DENNIS
(without hesitating) I LOVE YOU!
CARL and TODD
NO!
(Caroline enters with a mug of coffee. She looks at Dennis confused.)
CAROLINE
Baby, I think YOU better have a drink yourself.
(Carl and Todd giggle as Caroline crosses US and out the terrace door. We can see her remove a flask from her clothes and pour liquor into her mug.)
CARL
Man, don’t make me slap you.
(Shelly returns through the SR door. Dennis turns to her.)
DENNIS
Shelly...
SHELLY
(frustrated) What, Dennis?
(Dennis looks to the older men for support. They encourage him.)
DENNIS
I...want you to marry me.
(Carl and Todd smack themselves in disgust. Shelly looks at Dennis utter shock.)
SHELLY
What the living hell is wrong with your head? Why would I marry you?
DENNIS
Shelly, there’s no one...who has ever made me feel as talented..and...and thirsty for another person...as you have.
SHELLY
What?
DENNIS
I’ve never felt so complete while being with another human being.
TODD
(to Carl) He’s trying too much.
DENNIS
I can’t go back either. I can’t face my family and friends after having come so close to SOME sort of success. I burnt too many bridges getting here. (pause) I want us to rely on each OTHER. The times you’ve been in my arms...have made every worry I’ve ever had about myself and my infantile career...float away.
TODD
(to Carl) THAT was a tad gay.
DENNIS
When we’re together...the air must get thinner, because...
I can barely breathe.
CARL
(to Todd) Now that was DEFINITELY gay.
(Caroline makes her way in from the terrace.)
DENNIS
Shelly, I know you’re apprehensive about me, or the way I feel, or how much money I make, or whatever, but...for me... life without you is like a broken pencil.
(Shelly and the rest are confused.)
(pause) Pointless.
(The others keep from laughing.)
SHELLY
(long pause) I’m late.
CARL
Well, I’m going for Chinese. (to Todd) Coming?
(They quickly cross SR.)
TODD
I’ll buy.
CARL
That’s right, you’ll buy.
(They exit. Caroline remains.)
DENNIS
Late...like, LATE late?
SHELLY
No. Just late.
DENNIS
Since when?
SHELLY
Two weeks now.
(Dennis staggers US to the window.)
DENNIS
Why, especially now, do you NOT want me to be with you. You can’t handle a child alone.
SHELLY
First of all...I don’t even know for sure yet. I’ve been meaning to do one of those E-P-T’s, but I’ve been too nervous. And I can’t go through insurance cause I need to keep it quiet.
DENNIS
For what?
SHELLY
(ignoring the question) Second of all...I’m...not sure if it would...be yours,..Dennis.
(Dennis glares.)
DENNIS
Not mine? (long pause) Who the hell else’s would it be then?
(Shelly looks away, avoiding. Dennis notices.)
(almost frightening) SHELLY?!
SHELLY
Dexter!
(Caroline grins. Dennis is crushed. He quickly crosses and exits into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
Shelly is now embarrassed. A moment passes and Caroline chuckles. She takes a bottle of whiskey from the bar and crosses SR to the door and exits.
Now alone, Shelly makes her way US to the window and looks out. A moment of silence is broken when a loud crash is heard OSL. It is the bathroom mirror being smashed. Dennis yells in anger. Shelly is startled and frightened. Lights slowly fade out.)
End of Act One.